Sweet Green Grass
Gal, you look like you've been
Run over a few times,
Beat up something real good
When you gonna stick up for yourself?
The road you're on,
And where you're going
It's not too far from me,
Just give me a shout
Sweet green grass eyes,
Better let your spirit free
Those imposing stripes do you no good,
You were always meant for the bars of a soulful song
I wrote that for myself tonight. It's me talking to me, which if it were anything other than poetry it'd make me sound crazy....to be talking to me. ;)
Tonight was amazing.
Jimmy Davis hosted a Christmas songwriter circle and it was set up '68 Comeback style. Awesome stuff! I love hearing 5 great songwriters play great songs and just take the piss out of each other at any given chance. Watching friends play together is amazing.
Coach Reeves(he coached Jamie in basketball) was there and we always talk, and he embaressed me by bragging about my writing/storytelling. I'm just not used to people pouring compliments on me and telling others how wonderful I am. It's hard for my ears to hear and hard for my heart to believe, but it still felt great.
I feel like I made a breakthrough with you, like you realize where I'm coming from now. I can't believe I like you all over again, and I don't like it. I wish we could be friends, but as long as I like you this way we probably won't be. I think I'm what you need though, someone to keep you on your toes or to quote Ray Lamontagne: Feels like every time I get back on my feetshe come around and knock me down again I finally get that line in his song Trouble; he's not saying she makes him feel bad or like dirt, he's saying that she puts him in his place. I feel like when I'm ready and when you're willing to give me the chance, I could be that for you. I'd be so good to you when I'm ready.
I really shouldn't be getting my hopes up, but I am. Whatever, I'm a girl. Live and learn.
I feel so good and rejuvenated right now! That's what a good show does for me.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Since no one reads this shit anyways,
I wonder what would happen if I actually died/killed myself?
Who would honestly give a fuck?
Who would be tore up by it besides my parents?
I know for sure none of the musicians I look up to in this town would give a fuck. If I'm wrong, fucking prove it.
I'm so fucking sick of being friendless.
Who would honestly give a fuck?
Who would be tore up by it besides my parents?
I know for sure none of the musicians I look up to in this town would give a fuck. If I'm wrong, fucking prove it.
I'm so fucking sick of being friendless.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
May you have a strong foundation when the winds are changing shift...
Do you know how it feels to live with a disease every single day of your life? How it feels to live with a disease that is not your own physically, but mentally it has become your own. It becomes a driving force in your life and tears apart everything you know and hold dear. It makes you resent and despise someone who you should love and admire.
The past nine years have been a lot tougher than a young lady my age should have to endure. I live with a sibling who is bipolar. Being bipolar means that you have no control of your emotions, you're never calm, your highs are really high and your lows are really low. I live with someone that, no matter whether she's high or low, she's a self-serving human being who can't look past her own problems long enough to see the problems she causes for others. She's inflicted so much emotional pain on myself and others that we all hold a resentment towards her because she has an excuse for her behaviour and we don't; if we were to treat another human being the way that she treats us, we'd be considered cold and heartless people.
I feel like a prisoner in my own home living with her. The only place that I can be away from her is in my bedroom, and even that's not sacred. Her son is allowed to bust in at any time and whenever I kick him out for some alone time, I'm considered the bad guy.
I hate that my bedroom is the only place of solace that I have. I don't have any friends that I can call for a little escapism because apparently no one wants to be my friend or we're conditional friends, meaning that when they need me I'm there and when I need them they either aren't or all that they can say is 'Awww. I'm sorry, babe.' Fuck that noise. I need a friend who will fucking rush to my side and hold me, be there for me. The only friend I have lives in Oklahoma, that doesn't do me any good. OKay, it does sometimes, but I just....
I called around yesterday, needing to get out of my house, and no one answered. Finally, my mom answered and came to pick me up from Taco Bell and I'm grateful because she put me at ease, but I'd just like for once for someone that calls themself my friend to actually be a friend to me. I know that I don't get out much, but I'm sure that you can understand why.
I just don't understand why so many people can consider me to be their friend through thick and thin, but I can't consider any of them to be MY friend through thick and thin.
It's depressing.
I'm always depressed.
Nothing makes it better.
The past nine years have been a lot tougher than a young lady my age should have to endure. I live with a sibling who is bipolar. Being bipolar means that you have no control of your emotions, you're never calm, your highs are really high and your lows are really low. I live with someone that, no matter whether she's high or low, she's a self-serving human being who can't look past her own problems long enough to see the problems she causes for others. She's inflicted so much emotional pain on myself and others that we all hold a resentment towards her because she has an excuse for her behaviour and we don't; if we were to treat another human being the way that she treats us, we'd be considered cold and heartless people.
I feel like a prisoner in my own home living with her. The only place that I can be away from her is in my bedroom, and even that's not sacred. Her son is allowed to bust in at any time and whenever I kick him out for some alone time, I'm considered the bad guy.
I hate that my bedroom is the only place of solace that I have. I don't have any friends that I can call for a little escapism because apparently no one wants to be my friend or we're conditional friends, meaning that when they need me I'm there and when I need them they either aren't or all that they can say is 'Awww. I'm sorry, babe.' Fuck that noise. I need a friend who will fucking rush to my side and hold me, be there for me. The only friend I have lives in Oklahoma, that doesn't do me any good. OKay, it does sometimes, but I just....
I called around yesterday, needing to get out of my house, and no one answered. Finally, my mom answered and came to pick me up from Taco Bell and I'm grateful because she put me at ease, but I'd just like for once for someone that calls themself my friend to actually be a friend to me. I know that I don't get out much, but I'm sure that you can understand why.
I just don't understand why so many people can consider me to be their friend through thick and thin, but I can't consider any of them to be MY friend through thick and thin.
It's depressing.
I'm always depressed.
Nothing makes it better.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
You never were much into acting, but you know you could act a lot worse.
So, after doing my chores today, I sat down to write something that's been bouncing around in my head and I couldn't put down exactly what I wanted. I mean, I put down this really great line that I came up with for my male lead to say and I wrote out a description of my female lead, but I'm just not satisfied with that.
I think that maybe this is one of those things where I need to stew it in my brain just a little bit longer. I'm gonna write a few more character descriptions though cause I need to have those locked in in my brain so I can work out the storyline. I've got the basic jist of it, but I've got to make sure all of my characters work.
Also, I'm not sure which median my story should be written in, I could always put it in both forms that I'm considering, but that would mean more work for me and I'm terminally lazy.
***************
So, I finally cleaned my wreck of a room(I'd officially earned the nickname 'Hurricane', that's how dirty it was) and it's all cozy cause my dad bought me a candle that smells like violets. I just get this instant feeling of relief when I enter my room now. If only Tuesday didn't smell like....a dog, then my room would be complete. lmao. I love my dog so much!
I already mentioned how awesome my birthday was, and it was.
Emily and I fought again this week, and it brought me some clarity. I went to my room, prayed, and opened my bible for the first time in a while. It calmed me, it brought clarity. God is good, you can believe that.
I think that maybe this is one of those things where I need to stew it in my brain just a little bit longer. I'm gonna write a few more character descriptions though cause I need to have those locked in in my brain so I can work out the storyline. I've got the basic jist of it, but I've got to make sure all of my characters work.
Also, I'm not sure which median my story should be written in, I could always put it in both forms that I'm considering, but that would mean more work for me and I'm terminally lazy.
***************
So, I finally cleaned my wreck of a room(I'd officially earned the nickname 'Hurricane', that's how dirty it was) and it's all cozy cause my dad bought me a candle that smells like violets. I just get this instant feeling of relief when I enter my room now. If only Tuesday didn't smell like....a dog, then my room would be complete. lmao. I love my dog so much!
I already mentioned how awesome my birthday was, and it was.
Emily and I fought again this week, and it brought me some clarity. I went to my room, prayed, and opened my bible for the first time in a while. It calmed me, it brought clarity. God is good, you can believe that.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
So, my birthday wasn't so shitty after all. It ruled.
My dad, sisters(Jamie&Bridget, respectively), and my neighbor made it very awesome.
My neighbor, Skip, gave me a card and baloon. This pretty much made my day look a whole lot brighter. Skip is my nephew's best friend's uncle/brother(IDK, I'm kinda confused. lmao) and he's always keeping an eye on Chauncey when he(Chaun) goes over there to play. We talk once or twice a week, he's a really nice guy.
My sister, Jamie, gave me this big book of photos of the Beatles and all the captions tell you the story of their whole career. It's nuts. I've already been through the first 20+ pages and it's amazing. I was so giddy when she gave it to me!
My dad took me to Molly G's, the best Mexican restaurant you'll EVER go to. I mean it, once you go there nowhere else will do for you. From the salsa they give you right when you sit down to the 7-layer dip as an appetizer to the awesome meal, you won't regret going there. It's authentic as you can get, and if that's not testimony enough, it's ZZ Top's favortite restaurant in Memphis. Whenever they're in a 3 hour radius of Memphis, they make a big to-go order for 30 to 300 people. Back when they used to record here(7-8 albums were recorded at Ardent), Molly's was where they would eat.
(Molly G's is on Madison inbetween the Blue Monkey and Ardent Studios. Best locale ever. You can go lay a few tracks down, get something to eat, and then go drink&dance all within walking distance.)
ALSO, my dad got me amazing birthday presents. He took me to Spin Street and got me this big book/5-CD, 1-DVD thing for THE BAND(one of my all time faves), a John Hartford CD, and a Melanie CD. Yeah, this pretty much blew everyone else outta the water. I love my dad. :)
Bridget made my birthday good simply by being the first to text me "HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I LOVE YOU!!!!!" That made me smile really big. She's a good big sister. She and my mom are taking me out to dinner some time this week. I'm siked.
So, yeah, I had a birthday I didn't think I'd get. It was really, really awesome.
My neighbor, Skip, gave me a card and baloon. This pretty much made my day look a whole lot brighter. Skip is my nephew's best friend's uncle/brother(IDK, I'm kinda confused. lmao) and he's always keeping an eye on Chauncey when he(Chaun) goes over there to play. We talk once or twice a week, he's a really nice guy.
My sister, Jamie, gave me this big book of photos of the Beatles and all the captions tell you the story of their whole career. It's nuts. I've already been through the first 20+ pages and it's amazing. I was so giddy when she gave it to me!
My dad took me to Molly G's, the best Mexican restaurant you'll EVER go to. I mean it, once you go there nowhere else will do for you. From the salsa they give you right when you sit down to the 7-layer dip as an appetizer to the awesome meal, you won't regret going there. It's authentic as you can get, and if that's not testimony enough, it's ZZ Top's favortite restaurant in Memphis. Whenever they're in a 3 hour radius of Memphis, they make a big to-go order for 30 to 300 people. Back when they used to record here(7-8 albums were recorded at Ardent), Molly's was where they would eat.
(Molly G's is on Madison inbetween the Blue Monkey and Ardent Studios. Best locale ever. You can go lay a few tracks down, get something to eat, and then go drink&dance all within walking distance.)
ALSO, my dad got me amazing birthday presents. He took me to Spin Street and got me this big book/5-CD, 1-DVD thing for THE BAND(one of my all time faves), a John Hartford CD, and a Melanie CD. Yeah, this pretty much blew everyone else outta the water. I love my dad. :)
Bridget made my birthday good simply by being the first to text me "HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I LOVE YOU!!!!!" That made me smile really big. She's a good big sister. She and my mom are taking me out to dinner some time this week. I'm siked.
So, yeah, I had a birthday I didn't think I'd get. It was really, really awesome.
Monday, December 8, 2008
I'm 19 today.
Ugh.
I've been dreading this.
Why?
Because I'm not where I'm supposed to be right now and it pisses me off. It pisses me off that I can't get off my ass and get shit done. I need to, for my own sake, get out of this house and start living life the way that I'm supposed to.
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiROxR3NNPFej7dSAGxb5IbAdcfRifC96OG2n5xIqAjZ2QkWQh48YSOkotuY1nWnTrO7Cpt641rC7dweES5h2qfWIyhzq67gjwxNopINNI7Tv2dHy-HUldwmYIxxZzB1n47TvKhHc5e70U/s1600-h/drama.jpg
That postcard from PostSecret this week is what I want 5 years from now. As much as I love my sisters, I don't want to be a part of their drama. I love the kids and I'll keep in contact with them, but my sisters won't get that privilige. I will keep in close contact with my parents though cause they've done their best with me.
Ugh.
I've been dreading this.
Why?
Because I'm not where I'm supposed to be right now and it pisses me off. It pisses me off that I can't get off my ass and get shit done. I need to, for my own sake, get out of this house and start living life the way that I'm supposed to.
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiROxR3NNPFej7dSAGxb5IbAdcfRifC96OG2n5xIqAjZ2QkWQh48YSOkotuY1nWnTrO7Cpt641rC7dweES5h2qfWIyhzq67gjwxNopINNI7Tv2dHy-HUldwmYIxxZzB1n47TvKhHc5e70U/s1600-h/drama.jpg
That postcard from PostSecret this week is what I want 5 years from now. As much as I love my sisters, I don't want to be a part of their drama. I love the kids and I'll keep in contact with them, but my sisters won't get that privilige. I will keep in close contact with my parents though cause they've done their best with me.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
This is the kind of love I hope and pray for.
I don't have this kind of love yet, but I hope to have it someday. I hope that I'm able to recognize it.
This is a love letter to no one that I just wrote. There's no specific person that I have in mind, but I know that he's out there.
Love of mine,
Only you can make me love the way that I do. You took a dreamer and you woke her up. You took a caged bird and taught her how to fly. I can never thank you enough for showing me the way to love. I’d lost myself somewhere along the way, and you helped to find me.
You put up with so much when it comes to me, my faults are many and varied. My emotions make me act erratically and my passions, outside of you, make me ignore everyone around me, including you. Love, you bring me back down to earth, back down from the celestial dreams of mine.
I not only give you my heart and gratitude, but my soul too. For God sent you to save it from the broken road it had been led to by deceitful and hateful hearts. You saw a heart that beats with only hope and love for the world, and you felt a soul that is as green as it is weathered by the cruelties of the world around us.
I pray that each day that passes us; the love we share grows stronger, more joyful, and wiser with age. Know that my heart and my soul is tied to yours forevermore.
This is a love letter to no one that I just wrote. There's no specific person that I have in mind, but I know that he's out there.
Love of mine,
Only you can make me love the way that I do. You took a dreamer and you woke her up. You took a caged bird and taught her how to fly. I can never thank you enough for showing me the way to love. I’d lost myself somewhere along the way, and you helped to find me.
You put up with so much when it comes to me, my faults are many and varied. My emotions make me act erratically and my passions, outside of you, make me ignore everyone around me, including you. Love, you bring me back down to earth, back down from the celestial dreams of mine.
I not only give you my heart and gratitude, but my soul too. For God sent you to save it from the broken road it had been led to by deceitful and hateful hearts. You saw a heart that beats with only hope and love for the world, and you felt a soul that is as green as it is weathered by the cruelties of the world around us.
I pray that each day that passes us; the love we share grows stronger, more joyful, and wiser with age. Know that my heart and my soul is tied to yours forevermore.
-Love of yours
Monday, December 1, 2008
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