Do you know how it feels to live with a disease every single day of your life? How it feels to live with a disease that is not your own physically, but mentally it has become your own. It becomes a driving force in your life and tears apart everything you know and hold dear. It makes you resent and despise someone who you should love and admire.
The past nine years have been a lot tougher than a young lady my age should have to endure. I live with a sibling who is bipolar. Being bipolar means that you have no control of your emotions, you're never calm, your highs are really high and your lows are really low. I live with someone that, no matter whether she's high or low, she's a self-serving human being who can't look past her own problems long enough to see the problems she causes for others. She's inflicted so much emotional pain on myself and others that we all hold a resentment towards her because she has an excuse for her behaviour and we don't; if we were to treat another human being the way that she treats us, we'd be considered cold and heartless people.
I feel like a prisoner in my own home living with her. The only place that I can be away from her is in my bedroom, and even that's not sacred. Her son is allowed to bust in at any time and whenever I kick him out for some alone time, I'm considered the bad guy.
I hate that my bedroom is the only place of solace that I have. I don't have any friends that I can call for a little escapism because apparently no one wants to be my friend or we're conditional friends, meaning that when they need me I'm there and when I need them they either aren't or all that they can say is 'Awww. I'm sorry, babe.' Fuck that noise. I need a friend who will fucking rush to my side and hold me, be there for me. The only friend I have lives in Oklahoma, that doesn't do me any good. OKay, it does sometimes, but I just....
I called around yesterday, needing to get out of my house, and no one answered. Finally, my mom answered and came to pick me up from Taco Bell and I'm grateful because she put me at ease, but I'd just like for once for someone that calls themself my friend to actually be a friend to me. I know that I don't get out much, but I'm sure that you can understand why.
I just don't understand why so many people can consider me to be their friend through thick and thin, but I can't consider any of them to be MY friend through thick and thin.
It's depressing.
I'm always depressed.
Nothing makes it better.
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