It's so interesting when you decide what kinds of people you'd like in your life and what kind you want to steer clear from and those who you'd like in your life, but at arm's length.

Growing up is an odd feeling. Sometimes, if you slow down, take a step out of your body and just look back at yourself, you can feel the change. You can see the change.

I hope that I can spread this growth into other areas of my life.

Could it be you found another game to play?

I haven't had a really thought provoking conversation with anyone in a long while. This really upsets me because I get a lot out of those types of conversations. After I have them, I take the views of the other party/parties and then take mine, and I try to see where they match up and maybe if I should change a few of my views on things.

And I just enjoy the bonding of it. I think that sometimes people get a very narrow view of me when they don't take the time to have a proper sit-down heart to heart conversation with me. I'm going out on a limb here, but I think that people assume that I'm much more close minded than I actually am. In all honesty, I'm very open to new ideas and I enjoy learning about another person's perspective on what's going on around her/him.

I really just need to get a lot out of me about a lot of different subjects, whether it be personal or musical or whatever. I don't exactly live with people that I can have these thought provoking conversations with without pissing the other person off because I have a totally different view on the subject at hand.

I really need to start writing some of my stories and I need to start putting my script in chronilogical order too.(Don't ask how a script cannot be in chronilogical order, it makes sense to me.)




I really wish I were closer friends with a certain someone. I've known him for so long and not being close friends with him kills me. I wonder how he would react if we were actually able to sit down and talk through shit.

And there's someone else that I wanted to have a chance with that I don't really want to go beyond a fan to singer/songwriter basis with now. These days when we're at the same place, he's the one that has to say 'hello' cause I just don't want to talk to someone who doesn't want to pursue a friendship with my when I so earnestly pursued one with him for a few months. Fuck it. Ball's in his court now and it'll stay there cause he obviously doesn't want to go beyond a fan to singer/songwriter basis. This shit just sucks though, but I'm so over it.

I kinda wanna rub it in is face that I still love the former very much and very much want to be the former's friends. I'm a bitch, I know, but once when I invited the latter to dinner he asked, "Has the former ever been over to your house for dinner?" I answer, "No." He says back, "Then I'm definetely coming." He didn't come, his car supposedly broke down.

Why am I rehashing the past? Why? I guess because of my lack of a social life over the past 6 months. I really haven't been to that many shows, I mean it may be a lot for others, but normally I attend more shows. I just haven't felt very social and sometimes I just can't get out of the house cause of my responsibilities to the kid.

Speaking of the kid, I'm dealing with his temper a lot better now. There are just moments where I get so frustrated, but I do my damndest not to show it cause I know me getting upset in front of him never helps the situations. Actually, me getting upset usually makes his temper tantrums worse. I find that if I hug him and tell him that I love him through out the day, during the night his temper tantrums aren't nearly as bad. The kid just has this deeprooted anger inside of him and whatever he seems to be angry at on the surface; I have to remember that he's not angry about that, it goes so much deeper than that. I love him, he's such a sweetheart and he's so intelligent and witty and imaginative it makes me love him more and more every single day.

I hate that I'm having these motherly type issues years before I even become a mother. I'm convinced that I'm gonna have to leave Memphis for a few years to just have freedom from it before I can even think about having my own kids. I have a few names picked out. They're awesome.

Boys: Levon James, Theodore Laurence, and Jackson Taylor.

Girls: Sophia Hazel and Evangeline Leigh

The 'L' names are sort of a tradition with my mom's side of the family, broken by me and, my sister, Bridget as our full names are: Natalie John Bussjaeger and Bridget Olivia Bussjaeger. Feel free to call my sister 'Bob' or 'Bobino' as those are her nicknames. :) (Although I'm partial to calling her Briggetta these days.)

Enough of my rambling. I think I'll go get some housework done and then start writing before the kid wakes up.

Change is hard, I should know...

I've got no motivation whatsoever.

None.

Zilch.

I've got so much shit I KNOW that I need to get done, I go over it in my head every night, and people are telling me repeatedly things that I already know, but there's just no motivational force pushing me to do it. And this just doesn't make sense because I have every reason in the world to get going and I just can't. I have no idea what is holding me back.

I really wish something would happen to make me get up off my ass.


I better be careful what I wish for...

I get to have a porn name? Cool, then I'd like it to be Pete Jones.

I'm at my wits end with watching Chauncey every night for Emily.

I just am.

Lord, knows that I love that boy with all that I am, but his behaviour as of the past month has been atrocious. I have no fucking clue what to do with him. It comes from a lack of parenting. The poor boy is an orphan with at least one parent that is clearly present in his life. How sad is that?

Emily picks and chooses when she wants to shoulder some sort of responsibility for him and when she gets sick of it she hands him off to Jamie, Bridget, and(majority of the time) me. The problem with her handing him off to me is that she is constantly telling him that I'm stupid and not to listen to me, that I'm mean, and that 'sometimes I want to hit Natalie too, but you can't do that.' How does she expect him to obey me and do as I tell him when she says shit like that?

And if, according to her, I'm such a horrible babysitter why hasn't she found a different person? Oh, I know! She doesn't have to pay me and she'd have to pay someone else to watch her bratty kid.

I'm really losing my steam on all of this.
Fuck. I need to find my SS card, get an ID, and get a job that keeps me out of the house and away from her and the kid.

On a much happier note, I went and saw the new Kevin Smith movie, Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Awesome stuff. My subject line is actually something that Jason Mewes' says and Jason Mewes is my current celeb crush.

In case you didn't know, Kevin Smith writes some of the best dialogue you'll ever hear, knows how to get an actor excited about his/her role, and he really delivers with this movie. It's a comedy, but he mixed in just the right amount of romance so that the romance didn't take over the comedy, but was still very touching and sweet. Does that make sense? I think that it does. Elizabeth Banks, Seth Rogan, Jeff Anderson(he plays Randall in Clerks), Ricky Maybe(I can't remember how to spell it), and Craig Robinson were awesome. Wow. Oh, and Traci Lords did awesome too. I'm glad I went cause that movie was totally worth the 5 bucks that I paid, and more.

I wondered around the mall before the movie and let me just say this, I'm a fool for dudes that have accents so thick that I can barely understand them. Two of my finger nails are now shinier than the others and will be that way for 2 weeks. AND, I'm considering going back to buy the product. Yeah, say what you will, but I'm a chick who likes cute guys with accents.

I'm gonna try and get a shitload of writing done tomorrow. I hope that I do! I really need to, I've been getting lazy in that area.

What OBAMA winning means to me.

It means change.
It means that my niece and nephews have a brighter future ahead of them.
I was able to grab my nephew and show him that our president is the same color as him, Obama's mommy is white and his daddy is black, just like his mommy and daddy.

I was on the phone with Sheridan just being a blubbering idiot along with her over the fact that Obama won and Chauncey was watching CNN and he kept coming up to me telling me that the TV told him that he could be president too, that he could be anything that he wants. That's what this election proves, it proves that the color of your skin does not dictate what you're able to achieve.

Race aside, I do believe that Obama is the best man for the job. To the people who bring up his youth and his 'inexperience', I have one word for you: Kennedy.


GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!!