It may be a waste of words and time, but never a waste of life

And cuffs hurt worst when you've done nothing wrong...

Uncle Tupelo's Grindstone has been a big help to me lately. I love it a lot.

I've been so unsocial over the past 6 months and half of that is because I've got a shitty homelife that keeps me here, the other half is because sometimes I'm just a loner when I shouldn't be. Both of these have contributed to the fact that I feel completely friendless. Well, and I was super depressed last weekend and I called 2 friends who I thought would be there for me in one of my darkest hours, and they weren't.

This just contributes to me being even pickier about who I consider to be my friend. I know that I should cut people slack, but my heart just isn't too trusting these days.

Venting isn't helping at all. This is why I need friends, friends who will take me out and have stupid fun with me. I need stupid fun.

I've come up with some really great writing ideas and developing them over the next year or 2 is gonna be awesome. It makes me feel so good about myself when I come up with some marvelous idea that, if someone else wrote it, I'd love to read it or watch it. My writing makes me so ambitious.


I've been thinking that at some point I should go to college for my writing. It's the first time I've ever wanted to go to college. I've always been very against it in the past, but now that I know for sure what I'll be doing with my life it just seems like a logical and helpful step. The only bad thing about it is that I'm a fucking awful student, I mean AWFUL. I love to learn and absorb knowledge, but I hate school. I hate grades. I hate sitting in a classroom listening to someone teach me math or science. Ugh. I wouldn't mind studying geography, history, or a foreign language because it'll help with my writing. Of course, any english and literature class appeals to me like noneother, as long as I have a decent professor.

BUT I'm getting ahead of myself first.

I still have a few other responsibilities to take care of.


I'm still super fucking sick of living with that bitch.


And I ain't transcendin' much of nothing/I'm still down in it, I ain't free/Weren't no experiment(The Corner-Cory Branan www.myspace.com/corybranan )

So, this is the way that I feel a lot of the time these days.

It's weird to read exactly how I've been feeling from a book that every other chick in my age group has read. I want to know if anyone else read this paragraph and realized that this is how they've been feeling too.

I lay in my bed a few minutes later, resigned as the pain finally made its appearance.

It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time. Rationally, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing. My heart must have been beating, too, but I couldn't hear the sound of my pulse in my own ears; my hands felt blue with cold. I curled inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together. I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me.

- New Moon by Stephenie Meyer

Take from that what you will, but that's the only comfort I have right now, to know that at least one person knows the pain that I'm going through. I so wish that someone would hold me and listen to me and comfort me. That's all I want right now. That's all I need.

I just can't believe that after having such a wonderful day, my mood has gone back to this.


Fuck.

The best revenge is personal success.
The best revenge is doing what's best for me.
She's not my sister anymore, if you want the truth she hasn't been a sister to me in YEARS, so I won't be helping her one tiny bit. Not at all. I haven't benefited from having her as a sister, so she won't benefit from having me as a sister.

I know that sounds harsh, but if you know the whole story then you know I'm justified in saying those things. She's gonna get what's coming to her and the funny thing is is that she's gonna serve it to herself, no one else will. No one else will be the cause of anything bad happening to her, but her.

Harsh, yet again. Yet again, if you know the story, you know I'm right.


I'm gonna succeed.
I'm gonna live my dreams.
I'm gonna take everyone BUT her with me.

I'm right, she's wrong. That's all there is to it. I did my best and she shit on it, now that's what she gets.

One person can only take so much abuse before she quits completely.

You got a problem with me, I got a problem with you...

I really need support right now, badly. Any way that you can encourage me would be helpful. It doesn't take much to put a smile on my face and make me feel good about myself.

Later is better than never(in some cases).

So, I've decided on my 2 New Year's resolutions.

1. Get down to a size 6 by this coming NYE.
2. Return to the real me, show it, let my freak flag fly, etc.

Number one is made all the time, but I'm gonna do it! I have to, for myself.

Number two is self-preservation and being honest with myself. No more standing back and not saying anything because it might hurt someone's feelings. No more not saying anything cause it'll cause drama, I'm smart enough to know how to talk to someone and not make them angry. If that person can't appreciate my honesty, my realness; it's not my problem, it's theirs. I can't control anyone's reactions and it's not gonna affect me anymore.

I'm a really bubbly, smily person and I'm honest about how I feel and I'm not afraid to say it. I'm gonna be the Natalie that I'm proud of this year and for every year that follows. I'm gonna continue to wear my heart on my sleeve, but I'll do a better job of communicating and protecting myself and not letting my emotions run my life(at least, not completely. I'm emotional and it works for me, I just won't let myself get so down anymore).

I hate that the person that people see is depressed, bitter, resentful Natalie. That's not who I want to be.

That's gonna change right now.

Time for me to open my mouth and live my days for me, only me.

There's no one to defeat you, no one to beat you 'cept the thoughts of yourself feeling bad.

I really need to reconcile with the bad feelings I have towards myself, the self-criticism. I just haven't been able to accept my flaws and move on. I can't take my own criticism and I sure as hell can't take my family's. It's just hard to forget about them, work through them, and focus on the positive.

I need to stop making everyone else's problems my own, taking on something that is completely not my responsibility. It's just hard because I feel guilt when I don't show that I care or take on someone else's problem as my responsibility. I feel like a cold, heartless person when I'm not there to be of help or to carry the emotional burden on my shoulders.

I know that I shouldn't wear my heart on my sleave, but I don't want to become too guarded and cold-hearted.

I want to do things for myself and get ahead, but I hate asking for any help from anyone. I feel like I get such a negative response from my sisters(Jamie&Bridget) whenever I ask for help, I know NOT to ask Emily cause what sort of help could she give me.

I'm sick of everyone BUT Emily dealing with her bipolar disorder, it's so exhausting. She doesn't have to deal with it because we've taken the weight of it. I don't know how to not deal with it, but still live in a positive environment. She's always there, she's always beating on my self-esteem. I build myself up and tell myself what I know is right, and then she attacks my psyche. I feel like I don't have any real support in the house and so the walls that I've built up are incredibly weak. You can't just ignore someone who knows exactly how to get to you. It's so hard.

I know that I need to socialize, but who with? I call people or send them messages, I do my best to communicate, but it feels fruitless when it's not reciporacated. I realize that people are busy and I accept it; and I'm not expecting a lot, just hanging out everysooften. I don't want to be a burden.

I wish that I didn't feel so stifled by my house, a place that's supposed to be a comfort zone and a safe place. My house is NOT a comfort zone or a safe place. It's through no fault of my dad though, at least I don't think so.



It just comes down to the fact that I need to gather my strength and do what needs to be done for me and forget anyone else's problems and not make them my own. It'll be hard, I wish that I felt like I had help through this. I'm alone and it sucks.

When I was down you just stood there grinning....

My sisters(Emily&Bridget) really don't grasp that every negative comment and every time they go off on me without warrant pushes me further away from them every time. I'm at the point where I've decided to wash my hands of them once I leave Memphis. I know it's sad to say, but if you knew the shit I have to take from them then you'd do it to.

I don't deserve to be spoken to that way!

I don't tell Bridget what I think of her or Emily why she's so fucked up. I don't. I have a little something called tact and I do a little something called picking my battles. Sisters are a pain in the ass. I'm glad Bridget is moving out in a month, one less bitch to worry about.

Oh, and let me say now that Bridget was an excellent person before she let Emily and her boyfriend have so much influence over her day to day dealings, seriously. She and Jamie should've stayed living together because at least Jamie has her priorities straight and knows how to be in a healthy relationship, Emily and Bridget aren't even capable of this. Every guy Bridget has been with has taken advantage of her wonderful, kind nature and every one of those guys made her feel like he was gonna be the last guy to ever be attracted to her.

If she doesn't want me to care, then I won't. Let her marry this douche bag, I sure as hell won't go to the wedding, celebrate it or congratulate her; I congratulate him for landing one of the best, strongest women he'll ever lay his petty eyes on. She'll just get my pity for being with such a nobody. She needs to be with a real man, not a sick little manipulator.

:end rant:

So, I love writing. I love creating characters. I came up with one Friday that is absolutely fantastic, she's everything that I want to be. She's sassy, outspoken, gorgeous in a really angelic way, and an awesome musician. I'm so siked to write her story.

I'm also writing something else based on Cory Branan's song Lily( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGEqhc0CK7c ) and I asked Cory what it meant for him and all he said was that "Ovenbird" by Robert Frost inspired the chorus. At first I thought that he was giving me the easiest answer he could find, but he also told me that I was right in interpreting it as a sort of funeral march, which it is for my story.

"Ovenbird" by Robert Frost
There is a singer everyone has heard,
Loud, a mid-summer and a mid-wood bird,
Who makes the solid tree trunks sound again.
He says that leaves are old and that for flowers
Mid-summer is to spring as one to ten.
He says the early petal-fall is past
When pear and cherry bloom went down in showers
On sunny days a moment overcast;
And comes that other fall we name the fall.
He says the highway dust is over all.
The bird would cease and be as other birds
But that he knows in singing not to sing.
The question that he frames in all but words
Is what to make of a diminished thing.

Cory said that, mainly, the lines "The question that he frames in all but words/Is what to make of a diminished thing" is what inspired the chorus, and that just helped me out so much. I'm really glad that my favorite songwriter is also a friend who will help me out and inspire me with my writing when he can. We're by no means close, but we've known each other for 5 and a half years, he's watched me grow up. I've watched him grow up. I've had the honour of watching him develop his stage presence and the honour of hearing his songwriting progress.

Cory Branan is the unsung hero of rock'n roll. He doesn't write just one kind of song, he doesn't box himself in. He doesn't write just sappy love songs(none of them are sappy), crazy ass monkey songs, songs about historic events, songs about him fucking up past relationships, etc. His songwriting over the past 2 years has become so literary, you can tell that he's well-read. On the other hand, he doesn't insult your intelligence either. He realizes that some of his fans are young as shit and some are just at his show for a good time, he caters to that. He also caters to those who want something real, something to relate to. The best thing about Cory Branan is that he doesn't have the slightest clue as to how incredible he is as a musician, songwriter, and performer.

I'm done gushing, he'd have to put a sunroof on his junky ass mini-van to fit in it if I went on any longer.

=====

I got some important things done today and tomorrow I'm gonna get even more important things done. It feels good to make progress. I hate making decisions and doing the grown-up thing, but once I do it there's an immense relief in my chest and head. Thank God my dad is amazing and helps me through this stuff. He's the best man, on this planet, that I'll ever meet. God broke the mold with my dad. (Uncle Carl, laugh all you want, but it's true.)

Signin' out cause I know you're bored to tears by now,
Hurricane Natalie

He don't love you and he'll break your heart...

It's taking everything that I've got not to tell Bridget's boyfriend exactly what I think of him. He's a manipulative, selfish asshole. He's way worse than any other guy she's ever been with, seriously. He's taking advantage of her good nature and making her feel like he's the last guy on this planet that will ever find her attractive in a romantic/sexual way.

It fucking frustrates me. I can't stand it. Bridget is the prettiest of us 4 girls, but she doesn't know that. I don't think she'll be in the relationship she deserves until she loves herself fully, I believe that she loves the person on the inside and hates the one on the outside. She shouldn't, she just shouldn't. I hate that she lowers her expectations and gets involved with little shits like the guy she's with now.

At least everybody else realizes how horrible he is and I'm not the only one, if only Bridget would hurry up and see it too.